Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
