How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So much rum. So many feels.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
