I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
