I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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