the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
too bad you live with your parents still
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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