Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
