if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
