I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
