That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize