So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
