I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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