someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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