is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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