Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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