i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
