I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Randomize
