i can't believe i had my finger in that
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
