On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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