bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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