You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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