In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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