My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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