Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
