Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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