I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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