Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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