just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
