the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
