ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
