he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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