at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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