so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
