I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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