i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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