If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
