shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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