I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
im holly from the hills drunk
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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