We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
