i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
