Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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