Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
