When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
