no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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