somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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