I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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