Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize