I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
