My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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