I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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