It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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