you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
