i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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