If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
