k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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