Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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