Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
