just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
